me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Go girl power!
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses