I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either