Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.