Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.