If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.