Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
WTF IS THAT!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”