Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*