Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.