Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
School be like
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No