Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”