@wolfpupy: why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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@iwearaonesie: [movie theater] *reaches into wife's purse* *pulls out lasagna* me: Told you it'd work
@silent_musings: My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
@Book_Krazy: ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he's dating someone half his age? HUB: Yep. He's livin the dream ME: HUB: His dream not mine
@MichaelTrying: How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?