why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad