why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak