Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
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A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.