Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
blocked.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?