Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?