“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.