Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.