“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.