“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.