Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good