Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking