Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply