Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.