Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
FRED: right
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.