Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Death certificates are our last participation award.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!