Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.