Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
All set.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.