Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*