Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.