Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*