Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
sensitive skin
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.