If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You Might Also Like
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Peace was never an option
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.