I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
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Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Sharon I have some bad news
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
plant them where lol
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.