Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
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Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
i think both sides are to blame here
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*