Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime