Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
You Might Also Like
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
kids play hide and seek like
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
😆this is so true
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Does beer think about me too?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same