@TheDairylandDon: Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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@abhorrent_wife: Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.
@Awk0Tacoo: I just found out that there's a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
@realHamOnWry: Mom: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? Me: Of course...we have free healthcare. #Canada150th
@3sunzzz: I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn't sit down for four hours. Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.