Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Taliband
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.