“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”