Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.