Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.