Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
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If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
If snakes were wide
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
A new level of troll.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now