Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Cashiers are always checking me out
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.