@lazerdoov: Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order? ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special WAITER: Oh yes he's very special [chef in background sheds a tear]
@JackieluvsUK: Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they're already in tiny little bags!
@johnbiehl: Reasons to keep spiders around 1. Eat flying insects 2. Occasional source of protein during sleep 3. We make rad webs 4. They do i mean they
@psychopompis: man-ant: picnic's over boys ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run! man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*