Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
This meeting could have been a cake
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.