Traveler’s camo
You Might Also Like
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.