#parenting
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[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙