Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
You Might Also Like
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
❤️🦆
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.