Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
dutch is not a serious language
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap