Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
not for long
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?