@IamEnidColeslaw: why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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@robynpalmer1: Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, "Go home you're drunk!" Just another time alcohol saved my life.
@mattgallo123: *goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD
@OutOfLeftField_: I told someone my name and they said, "That's unusual. You don't hear that every day." Actually, I do.
@briangaar: Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting