why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians