@MichaelJTiberi: Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.
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@tacos_y_cerveza: I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.
@JohnLyonTweets: Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.
@flashember: *stares into wormhole* Whoa man, cool. *gets slapped by worm* Pervert! *worm wiggles away*