@MichaelJTiberi: Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.
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@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
@Steelers1972: For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.
@gogglepossum: [2 monkeys in a bath] Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!! Monkey 2: If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in