walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
A fake ID that makes you younger
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…